The Hanged Man in love: What to do when it’s best to do nothing.

The Hanged Man from the New Pallidini Tarot.

Getting the Hanged Man in a tarot spread, especially if it’s a romance spread…tends to make people slump. They either assume it is a bad card, or they just…blank out, and spend time on all the cards around it, carefully avoiding it like the upside down elephant in the room. But…I am here to make an argument that The Hanged Man is a friend. A good friend. The one that gently but exasperatingly tries to get you to PUT DOWN THE SHOVEL (or that phone!) and quit digging yourself in deeper.

Listen to your pal.

An excerpt from my book, Love Tarot for Beginners, on our serene acrobat:

12: THE HANGED MAN

TRADITIONAL MEANING

A pause in the action. Needing to let go of all attempts to control. Sacrifice. Peaceful waiting. Submission.

LOVE READING

This is a card of fascinating contradictions. Its message is one of needing to behave in a way that is probably the opposite of what is instinctual for you.

The Hanged Man is here to tell you that this is a time where you cause more problems the more you struggle, cause more loss the more you “try.” This is a time of letting go; not of the relationship, but of any attempts to control the outcome.

This is out of your hands. In a traditional Tarot deck, you will see that even though the man is suspended upside down, his face is serene. This is you. This needs to be you. In letting go, you win. In surrendering, you survive. If you are pushing someone hard to behave in a certain way, give you what you want to create a certain experience, or even to feel a certain way, then it will not succeed.

This is a delicate time, and whatever happens next will not be up to you. There are certain cards in the deck that strongly reinforce this idea. If The Fool, The High Priestess, Strength, or the restful Four of Swords show in the same reading, then you need to be cool as a cucumber: relax, be gentle with yourself, and let go of all demands.

If the Lovers card appears with this card, well, then you are really twisting in the wind, and the fate of this relationship is out of your hands.

Control is a tricky thing. It’s like trying to sit on top of a beach ball while in a swimming pool: sure, you got that baby under water for now, but eventually it’s going to pop up, and you are going down. Why not, instead, gently hold onto that ball as you skim the surface, letting it carry you across the water?

POSSIBLE OUTCOME

You don’t get to know that right now! This is the Tarot’s “Magic 8 Ball” equivalent of “Ask Again Later.” Later, by the way, doesn’t mean in an hour. Be still. Have faith. Let go. This is a card of beneficial outcome, but only if you stop struggling.

 

Ah. It is very, very hard to let go of the need to control. Especially when you LURVE someone, or WANT someone, or, eep, feel like you NEED someone. That’s a crummy feeling, that last one. It has a graspy, exhausted tone that feels something like holding your arms out in front of you for, say, about an hour.

No good.

Here is a case of freedom in surrender. What does surrender look like, in this case? Setting down the phone. Frantic texts are not for you. Freedom to Think About Other Things Besides Mr. Or Ms. Perfect. Freedom to focus on neglected friendships, hobbies, interests. Freedom, because to do anything ELSE ..to poke poke poke at that cage of wished for outcome, is a big dang mistake. STOP IT. You can not pester the situation into submission..into wanting you.

You are a person of value and you don’t chase after stuff. Stuff wants you, baby.

So hang.

Watch it come to you happily…or drop away, because it was never going to work. Either way.. you win!

Good luck out there!

 

 

 

 

The Missing Knight of Swords: A damn near perfect metaphor.

 

Today, thanks to a very kind reader, I found out that a card is missing from my book, Love Tarot for Beginners. It is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me by a long shot, and in a few days the updated manuscript will be ready to go for printing and downloading, and all will be well. (I will include the missing excerpt below!)

(Edit: Paperback now updated! All new purchases will have our missing Knight. Kindle to follow shortly.)

My first thought was OF COURSE IT WAS THE KNIGHT OF SWORDS…..That’s…so perfect.

 

Here he is:

THE KNIGHT OF SWORDS

TRADITIONAL MEANING:

Unpredictable and wild young man. Information given in a tactless manner.

ROMANCE READING

Oh look, it’s Danger Boy. Sigh. Handsome and charming and devil-may-care, here is the one that will sweep you off your feet and then drop you as soon as you start to get used to all the heady deliciousness of it all.

The sexy, but emotionally distant man that you want to “win”, because he is a challenge? This guy.

The man who gets recruited for the CIA? This guy.

Is that a promise? No. There are exceptions to this. Sometimes the Knight of Swords means there is a smart, intense, and sexy guy is in your life, and he doesn’t suffer fools lightly. Can you match that energy? Then he might be your guy, and you two can be the intense couple in all black that hangs out in the corner at parties and wonders how long they have to make small talk before they can go home.

Otherwise, you might find him a bit…frosty, if great in the sack.

POSSIBLE OUTCOME

WHOOSH. What just happened? Did you get swept up in something that feels out of your control? Hold on to your knickers. Things might be getting very exciting, very soon.

 

That’s right. The Knight of Swords is portrayed as exciting and upbeat and unpredictable and tactless, but really, what it boils down to is this: The Knight of Swords is a fuckboi. OF COURSE he went missing from my book.

That’s simply too much of a commitment.

 

 

 

 

 

The Six of Cups and Temperance: Nostalgic Longing in the Age of Anxiety.

Can we go trick-or-treating yet?

Welcome to another edition of Tarot Odd Couples, wherein I randomly draw two cards from the Tarot deck, hope that they are SUPER INTERESTING together, discuss how they relate to each other, how to read them together, and then yammer for a bit about the bigger ideas contained within. Like I am some sort of wise person. Snort.

This one will meander a bit. You can see the TL;dr at the bottom, if you need quick answers to your pressing Tarot confusion!

I drew the cards in the morning,  the Six of Cups and Temperance, and then had to run errands, which was good, as I had decided that I needed to let my brain percolate on the subject, and how to introduce the Six of Cups…the card of tender nostalgia. While driving, the sky put on a show.

The sky has been particularly dazzling this week, here in Austin town, deep blue with giant mashed potato clouds plopped flat on the bottom and left puffy on top, looking from here like an angelic bounce house.

I have been so delighted by the giant Texas sky. As a Los Angeleno transplanted to Austin by young widowhood ( I have close family here), I am used to a flat, washed out blue and mostly cloudless LA sky, too dry to form these fluffy masterpieces in front of me, delighting me in a way that is hard to describe. Making me feel a special kind of  “safe”, which is a feeling on short supply since losing my husband, and, you know, the world now being Bizarro World.

Then it hits me. These clouds are abundant in November in LA. And November, to a kid growing up in the last generation of Angelenos who will know a Los Angeles that was affordable, that had streets filled with kids on Halloween in every neighborhood…a pre-internet, delightfully punk rock childhood free of tethers and low on hovering supervision, is one of the best times of the year.

Privileged? Hell yes. My mom’s single motherhood barely registered for me in a struggling way, the self absorbed, weirdo brat that I was. We just knew Dad lived somewhere else and we saw him on weekends. She was that good. She made it happen.  She is AMAZING at holidays, my mom. The best.

And November is the Good Time, when you are lucky little kid growing up in LA in a sane, comfortably middle class family. That is Halloween, and then Thanksgiving and Christmas all smack up against each other. And, because you are a kid, you don’t really grasp all the WORK THAT WENT INTO THAT..all the cooking and shopping and planning..so it was all sparked with a gently spooky promise like a Ray Bradbury short story. Good smells of cooking,  people dressed up for parties, atmosphere changing decorations, the special food (you don’t get to eat yet, stop it) and the personal holiday rituals, and that delicious, difficult to quantify feeling that is a mixture of “everything is ok and very, very safe”…and “everything is magical and anything could happen”.

OK YEAH BUT ABOUT THAT TAROT STUFF, JHONE.

Right..right. Ok. Everything you read above? That is the Six of Cups in a nutshell. THAT feeling. And missing it now. Wanting that so much. Wanting to Go Home Again.

Hard to come by these days, innit? That safe but exciting feeling? Oh we have exciting. I mean, we have little tinpot despots here and abroad making really dazzlingly dangerous choices, so that’s a VERY exciting thing, yesirree.

But safe…cozy? Noooooope.

In relationships, the Six of Cups is about that too. The desire to be with someone who gets you on a deep, soul level. Forget acrobatic sex and passionate drama, er, for the moment. This is about comfort. Being known. Being seen and accepted. It can also mean an old friendship that blossoms into a romance.

It’s what we crave once we grow past the desire to have constant newness, constant variety, constant excitement. When you want sanctuary. Someone who has your back.

The sanctuary Temperance provides.

I took a lot of stupid risks when I was younger. I would list more of them, but, um, my mom reads this blog and I ain’t sharing,  and don’t care if I am in my forties. I did a lot of stupid stuff. I had fun while doing it, don’t get me wrong, but if I have a guardian angel, well, they were busy then. BUSY. I used to think the Temperance card was SO boring. So very plebeian. So settling.

Now I cling to this card, when it shows up in a reading, like a life raft that is sailing to paradise. And paradise is food in the fridge, improved health, and being loved by at least one person. There is almond milk for my chai. It is not being on fire. It is no one dying of melanoma. Right now.

The Temperance card is one of contentment. Of Everything is Going to be Okay. My gods, BRING IT. I will get spanked in a tent on a beach later. (Hm, that was pretty random.) Just so pleased there are eggs and toast.

When Temperance shows up as an outcome card in a reading for another, I breathe a sigh of delighted relief. It means whatever nasty is happening now will end. If you are estranged from your beloved, there is a good chance of reconciliation. In fact, this is a classic combination for just that. The conditions will improve, and you will be content. YOU WILL BE CONTENT.

Content in an age such as this is tantamount to bliss.

 

 

TL;dr: In love based readings, the six of Cups is a card of sweet, affectionate emotions, nostalgia and tender romance. Paired with Temperance, it speaks of a delightfully comfortable life and love. Treasure it as much as you might treasure fiery passion, because the world is wild and wooly. This card combination is also a classic one of reconciliation and being reunited with an estranged love one…..just be sure that is really what you want!

 

Want to learn more about how to read Tarot for Romance? I wrote a book about it!

Want a Tarot reading from me? You can have it! Get one here.

Like REALLY PRETTY STUFF? I make that. Get some here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Eight of Swords and the Four of Wands: Maybe Everything isn’t Horrible, or, Staying Optimistic in Chaotic Times.

Deck by the Super Brilliant and Awesome Dame Darcy. Buy everything she creates.

Welcome to the second edition of Tarot Odd Couples, where I shuffle and pick two random cards from a tarot deck and discuss how to interpret them together. Also I rant about stuff. And relationships. Yes, all that. ALL THAT IN ONE MAGICAL POST HOW DO I DO IT?

Slowly.

Possibly ineptly?

Earnestly, that’s for sure. Let’s go!

I suppose we should touch on the title a bit, but only lightly for now, and I will be getting back to that later. YES, hey, I would not at all blame you if you felt everything was terrible. I mean…according to so very many, we have a crass, unfit, pathological narcissist for a president, half the world wants to kill the other half, and this humidity is doing really terrible things to my hair. There’s more. So much more I could say here. About me, about the world, about you. The many things about my life that Need Improvement. How I know you are probably struggling mightily in one area of your life or another. Maybe a lot of areas of your life. I’m sorry.

But the truth is that I find my own stress really exhausting, mentally, and that is more than just the stuff the stress is about.  In fact…it’s exhausting, and queasily so, mostly because it takes me away from the Present Moment, which is always the only thing any one of us ever has at any time. Ever. The lovely innocent present moment, where I am not at all on fire. Not even a little bit.

In the present moment, all of the things I worry about aren’t happening. In the present moment, my home smells like fresh laundry tumbling, my partner in crime is working on his hobby, I just made a really good chicken salad with tarragon and grapes, and I am sitting here, writing to you out there, who really JUST WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO CARDS MEAN TOGETHER OK LADY?

Okay, okay.

We are gonna get back to that present moment stuff, though, ok? So buckle up, Star Pirate.

But now, the cards.

The Eight of Swords is an interesting card. Looks daunting. Even a bit kinky. Bound woman, blindfolded, surrounded in a little prison of swords. Goodness. How in the world did she get there?

The real question, though, is why is she staying?

All traditional Tarot decks show her bound very loosely. Those ties could nearly be shrugged off. That blindfold is slipping. And I don’t care how sharp those swords are…she could easy squeeze though the spaces in between.

So, the Eight of Swords is about the prisons we create for ourselves. “The Job We Hate, But Know, So We Hate it Comfortably”. “The Stupid Relationship That is Totally Unsatisfying But What’s Out There is So Much Worse, Surely, So Okay, Let’s Watch More Family Guy and Not Have Sex While You Sneak-Flirt Online”. Good times.

The Four of Wands is pretty much the opposite of that. It looks very sweet and straightforward, but it holds secrets. Sweet ones. Tasty ones.

The Four of Wands traditionally means “engagement”…there are woman dancing under a chuppa, and there appears to be a wedding about to happen. It really smacks of happily ever after, and that is true, but here is its tender, surprise chewy center: The card, at its heart, means this: The thing you hope and expect to happen DOES happen, but not only that, it is better than you expect! Whee! IT’S BETTER, BABY.

So what does this mean for you, when these two are together? Especially in relationship? Well….you might be tempted to think that whatever is superpoop about your relationship right now is just going to get magically better and you are getting hitched and it’s off to Vegas. But no. That’s not it. Oh, there is happiness for you, yessiree, but it’s going to take some change on your part.

This card suggests, whether it is work or love or money, that staying where you are right now means no growth, change, or happiness for you. Staying here in your little sword corral does not mean you will get to ride ponies. It means you will be safe, and there and stuck and unhappy and things are pretty grey, and sure, I LOVE Family Guy…the characters are so …um….sure, it’s fine, another episode is great…it’s that.

…and if you let go…you shrug off your bindings and walk away, pretty much immediately something awesome is gonna happen, and it turns out to be much better than you expect. WAY better.

This happened to me this year. In a previous post I wrote that I am not allowed any more “Michaels”. My “ex”, if you can call him that, was the first person I got involved with since my husband died five years ago, and he was a poor choice. I hung on, for a year, liiiiiiiike an idiot, because he was brilliant and funny and interesting and stuff, but in truth, he treated me poorly. Not because he was a bad person, but because he was stressed, emotionally unavailable to me, worried about his career, of an emotionally avoidant attachment style, and other fun stuff. I understand he has a new girlfriend now, and I hope like hell he treats her well. I hope they are happy. I truly do. But for me, it was a year from hell. It was not his most shining moment, and I certainly did not value myself very much at the time. Grief makes for stupid choices, sometimes.

THE SECOND WEEK after breaking up with him (right after my birthday, which was far, far too much for him to deal with, I guess…all those well wishes and dinner plans. I’m very high maintenance.)….the long legs and winning smile of My Sweetheart leaped into my world, holding a fist full of peonies and singing songs by Elbow , and changed it for the better.

Better is an understatement.

Within eight months, we were living together, are extremely, alarmingly happy together, and it’s way, way better than I could have even hoped for. We are just hilariously well suited, and oh my goodness, is he pretty. Prettier than me, that’s for sure. Score.

When I drew these two cards, I knew they were a perfect metaphor for my own love life (hey, I was thinking about my Eric when I drew them!), and knew this combination has genuine meaning for me, personally.

I hugely encourage you to let go of the Monster You Know, if it is genuinely unhappy and only merely safe and known, and take a change on things turning out even better than expected.

Even in a world where an angry cheeto can be president, Good Things can still happen.

Meanwhile, though, how do you cope when everything is crap? How do you deal with your stressful life, when all it does is make you regret the past and fear about the future?

Stop. Stop living in the future, right away. Oh yes, use the brilliant tool that is your brain/mind to make plans, for just as long as it takes to make them, and then set down the Useful Tool that is your brain/mind (You know that your mind is not YOU, I hope. YOU are not all that interior chatter and wierd yelling and singing old jingles and thinking about stuff you did in the third grade. You are just watching that, and sometimes forget you are watching)….and come back to The Present Moment, because it is always, and only, now.

So you come back to the present moment…where you are not on fire. Where there is a likelihood of tea nearby. Where nothing with tentacles is currently coming after you, requiring you to run. If you can stay in this present moment, as much as humanly possible, using Brain to Get Stuff Done and FUTURE PLAN as needed, but only in the way you pick up a hammer and pound a nail, to be set down when finished, rather than running around the house pounding on everything and calling it helpful thinking.

Sure, if you return to the present moment, then yes, you can find peace in your Sword Prison too. You can. Because again, you are not literally on fire. But if you let go of the control of that….you might find the universe has other plans. Better plans, if you trust it.

I am learning how to trust it too. It’s not easy…but I’m working on it. It’s really stressful out there. Right now, though, it’s fresh towels and chicken salad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can’t make someone love you, and other truths we pretend are not true.

Life Changing Awesome or a Really Bad Time? Could be either! Whee!

 

There is a very pervasive and understandably appealing idea that you can, though sheer force of will and possibly specialized, targeted, frankly manipulative behavior, win the heart of someone who might otherwise not give you the time of day.

It is a comforting thought. If you only make all your reasonable needs teeny teeny tiny, and just Become the Magical Mate of Their Dreams, they will drop their defenses or apathy and just perk right up and be awesome to you.

Then they will love you, and commit, and you will be so happy, and all the hard work you did landing that fish will be so worth it, because LOVE.

This is something akin to putting on a very elaborate costume for a date, having the date go swimmingly, and then realizing if you want to keep the romance going, you are going to need to keep that costume on forever. And ever….and ever.

Dance clown, dance.

It doesn’t work. You can only be Not You for so long, and some people have a very short shelf life for this behavior. The amazing guy who suddenly needs time with friends, now that he thinks you are in the bag…a mere month in. The cool girl who suddenly isn’t so easy going and maybe doesn’t really love football as much as you thought. If you go into a romance playing a role, you will be exhausted sooner than you think. You know this. Yet, we keep doing this.

The combination of The Lovers and The Tower together in a reading can seem confusing, but that’s only because it REALLY IS CONFUSING, and here is why: This combination can be seen as either wildly good, or a nightmare, and it’s all about the moment when the roles can no longer be played, and the “real” both of you decides to show up.

Kaboom.

The Lovers is the big brother of the Two of Cups. When The Lovers show up, Feelings are Stirred. This isn’t just a flirtation. This is fierce stuff, possibly obsessive if badly expressed, and sometimes indicative of a profound crush between to people who are not entirely single. Paired with The Tower, whose explosive quality is all about the NOW, (as in, when the Tower appears the reading will manifest in days, rather than weeks or months), we have keg of gunpowder and everyone is throwing matches for funsies.

Here’s where it gets weird. This combination, oh so rarely, can mean you met the person who will Rock Your World in a Great Big Way, and it’s a good thing. It’s a magical thing. It’s a thing that can change your life, and it happens. Good lordy I wish that for you, and everyone who hurts and wants. Who doesn’t want that?

Ok someone, maybe, but they aren’t here.

FOR THE REST OF US, YES PLEASE GIMMIE THAT THANK YOU.

Alas, though, more often than not, it is that extraordinary moment in a not-working, poorly fitting relationship when someone just…drops…the…act. They stop pretending they are Mr. or Ms. Perfect For You and just pull away, or snarl at you in resentment of the role they have chosen to play (or you do that yourself!), or someone does something catastrophically harmful and the whole house of cards comes down, and no one quite understands what happened, and wow, who the hell are YOU?

No good. So what to do? Fit. Are they a good fit?…Knowing who is a good fit for you is your best bet, so knowing what YOUR needs are, and valuing them, is everything. I know what you are thinking…you are thinking “Oh PLEASE, like I don’t know this!”…..right..sure…but how often have you ignored these basic needs? I’m betting often, and his name was Chad, at least once.

I’m not allowed any more Michaels, myself.

We often ignore the many painful little signs our minds and hearts give us that tell us this is not a good fit and will eventually collapse in a heap of hurt and confusion. We ignore them a lot. We pretend we can be with someone who is of a completely different ideology than us because we Just Won’t Talk About It, or the Sex Is Good. We pretend we Want Children when we really Don’t Want Children. Maybe he got the impression, somehow, that you are Open to an Open Relationship when you are No Effing Way on that.  I know someone who married a slender woman in spite of having a strong preference for larger women. Very. Strong. Preference. That went really well for all involved. Good times.

So, discernment of fit is everything. We are so used to pretzeling ourselves to fit what we think the Person of Interest desires, but in truth, the love that is easy long term is the love that was easy at the start. Great sex because you are compatible. Enough interests shared that you can do stuff together while also doing your own thing. Same ideologies. Same politics, if that is a passion. Similar taste in food and adventure and new experiences. A matching communication style. Matching kink.

….and most profoundly…Both of you want the same thing, whatever it is, in the way of relationship. Or else…

Kaboom.

You don’t have to be perfect. Your weird just needs to match their weird in ways either complimentary or similar. If you have that, love is, at a fundamental level, pretty effortless.

I know. I used to think that was horseshit too. Then it happened to me.

Kaboom.

Good luck out there.

 

 

 

(Deck featured is the beautiful and classic Aquarian Tarot)